The first holiday cards as we know them were sent in 1843, when a wealthy Victorian man didn’t feel like calling upon his many friends and acquaintances, so he decided to send them all personalized cards instead. No, his name wasn’t Hallmark, but we can thank Mr. Cole for the never-ending holiday greeting card extravaganza that is surely spilling out of your mailbox this very moment.

But, as you’re reading Dirge, you are probably more interested in Krampus cards. Specifically, sexy Krampus sexy nudie sex sex cards. Apparently there were a shitload of them and the origin of most of these cards appears to be Germany.

As you probably already know, Krampus is often depicted as menacing (if not downright terrifying/murderous) as that’s how he scares children into good behavior. For some reason, however, people are fascinated with devilish, hairy goat-figures being giant horndogs. Talk about putting the Pan in ‘pansexual’.

Here is but a small roundup of the Grub vom Longwänger sexy German girlie vintage postcard porn out there (the highest quality samples around are infuriatingly tiny. Something something penis joke):

Vintage Krampus Holiday Card

I attempted to translate this German via my friend Google, and I believe the gist is something along the lines of “Come here and pinch my nipple like I’m pinching this pawn.” If you can translate it better, well, good for you, nipple-diddler.

Vintage Krampus Holiday Card

Apparently Krampus has a thing for curvy redheads. And by Krampus I mean me. And everyone. There is, again, German writing which translates roughly into “Take my picture, tiny horned hirsute Eddie Munster, and maybe you can see these cherries.”

Vintage Krampus Holiday Card

You’d think with a switch and a tongue like that, they’d be happier to see him. Nothing like a little light BDSM to kick off your miniature man-devil threesome. Granted, this isn’t the sexiest depiction of Krampus I’ve ever seen, but at least you have a smoking hot girlfriend to sit on your face and talk mad shit with you in the Uber back home.

Because you probably aren’t going to feel like driving after that.

Modern Krampus card by Ryan Heshka

Okay, this is just Satan with a Gene Simmons tongue and a muffin top belt that, as Tim Gunn would say, raises a question of taste.

And that is just… terrible form for whipping someone with snakes. It’s awkward. This is awkward. I don’t care how nice your bubblegum hiney is, I fucking cannot with those red licorice wings and hairy Donald Trump body.

Get thee behind someone else, Kratan.

(Ed. note: This card is technically not vintage, and is by Canadian artist Ryan Heshka, whose artwork is not only not awkward, but you will probably love: http://www.ryanheshka.com/. It fits right in, though, and it’s rare that we get to make jokes about Satan’s muffin top.)

So, how to rationalize the sexy Krampus imagery? There’s multiple ways these could be viewed. Perhaps artists got tired of depicting boring St. Nick and wanted to show Krampus boning some hot broads. Maybe they were a warning against women being lusty, or they were a send-up of the notion that sex is a sin, a celebration of sexuality during the chillier months of the year. Maybe Krampus really is a giant horny beast, or it’s the old Christian dichotomy of virgin/whore being taken to new places.

Christmas has been sexualized in many ways over the years, and this is just a small piece of the puzzle. Whether you see these pictures as fun and playful or further patriarchal extensions of telling women their sexuality should be punished, you’re probably right. There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and more than one way to be, and see, a sexy Krampus. Without clear origins, we are just left with ambiguity and an incredibly long tongue to guide us.

Nicole Moore

Nicole Moore

Managing Editor at Dirge Magazine
Nicole has a Master's in English Literature, and is best described as a "sparkly rainbow magical dark feminist cat mermaid unicorn nerd witch." Simple, right? You can stalk her on Twitter and Instagram, or read her personal blog, you floozy.
Nicole Moore
@Kevkevkevinkev1 hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha bye troll. - 1 day ago