For many people with uteruses, once a month you slowly and painfully haemorrhage one of your internal organs out of your delicate flower below. I like to think of this as punk Aunt Flow: the gynecological equivalent of that weird relative we all seem to have, who has several naughty tattoos and occasionally encourages you to get shit-faced and do something mildly dangerous for the lulz (I plan to be this relative one day).
Most of us have battled, anaemic and cursing the sky, through a tough day while it feels like the Hulk is punching us in the pelvis. On a particularly heavy day, you can stand in the shower and pretend you’re bleeding from a horrific war wound as the blood swirls down the drain. This will help set the mood. Going through this monthly spectacle of viscera, misery, and pain can be hell – and there’s nothing more punk than going to hell and back. When it comes time for your hellish monthly journey, Dirge has got you covered!
Period Supply Pouches
Most period pouches are floral and discreet, but sometimes that’s just not rock’n’roll enough. These horror-themed pouches by NotMadeInChinaSewing will help you chuckle through the cramps.
We all love panties, and these are spectacular. They’re funny, they’re cool, they’re kinda gross, and they’re designed to get good and bloody. What more could you ask for?
And For the Men
Guys (plus genderqueer folk, intersex folk, and all you other cool people who don’t fit into the binary and/or enjoy wearing boxers), there’s nothing fun about dysphoria. You can make your own boxer briefs, if you’ve got crafty hands. Cis-ladies who prefer to wear boxers, this goes out to you, too. The tutorial promises boxer briefs for purchase on the writer’s Esty shop, but none were in-stock at the time of publication. Despite Adira marketing their period shorts as “girl shorts,” these all-black, no-frills period shorts are an excellent alternative to feminine period panties and thongs.
Pads That Blood Can Only Make Cooler
A little something to go in the new cool pants you just laid eyes on. Reusable cloth sanitary pads are more expensive than disposable pads, but they can be a good investment. If you like the idea of reusable cotton pads but find yourself squirming away from the cutsey little duckies and pretty pastels they always seem to be adorned with, fret not – Etsy has you covered.
Microwavable Cuddly Curios
I don’t know where I’d be without heat pads. They’re great for stomach cramps, backaches, and keeping you warm through the night. Pop them in the microwave for a minute or so, curl up around one, and all will be the right with the world. I like to microwave a few in succession and then surround myself with them like a beautifully toasty army.
Punk Period Patches
If you’re a punk who likes patches you can now adorn your denim with these embroidered works of menses-related genius.
Yep. A cuddly uterus so you can give it a sympathetic cuddle, or punch that little fucker in its smug face, depending on how much pain you’re in. You could even bury it in the garden in a pseudo-pagan ritual of healing. We’re not here to judge.
Food to Dull the Physical and Existential Pain
If you find yourself a black-hole of hunger and desolation and only junk food will fill the aching void, a pizza-cookie (cookie-pizza?) and a really good hot chocolate with a chilli kick might help. Sometimes all you want is cookie dough, though, because often cooking can just go do one when you feel like crap. You could enjoy all three together in front of a horror film marathon about monstrous periods and vaginas. I’d recommend Carrie, Teeth, and Ginger Snaps.
And, Lastly, For Misogynistic Dickbags
The next time you make a valid and passionate point, and some dude-bro asks if you’re “moody because you’re on your period,” serve him this. Go on. It’ll be hilarious.