We know how much you love weird sex toys and just about anything (burlesque, panties, Twilight Zone episodes, Godzilla creepypastacat shirts) having to do with Satan, praise be unto him. So how is it that we have never shown you the tempting world of Satanic sex toys? Take off your pants and prepare your underworld, you’re in for a long, weird night.

The Ass Devil

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From Weird Dildos.

Of course Old Nick is an ass man; was there ever any doubt? Anal sex is the guaranteed gateway to Hell, which is probably why this item appears to be out of stock everywhere my browser dared to venture in search of the elusive Ass Devil. You can probably make a homemade version by gluing a dildo onto an old serving platter and going to town. Might I suggest:

The Devil Dildo

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From Divine Interventions.

Now, to be fair, Divine Interventions has a slew of religious iconography dildos and buttplugs, so if you want to shove the Virgin Mary places she has never been, have at it. The Devil dildo comes (hehe) in red or black, and appears to be slightly ribbed for your pleasure. I can’t confirm this, because the closest I’ve been to having the Devil inside me is my ex-boyfriend. Oh, and that one time I got possessed. Same thing.

Diablo Cockring

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From Tabu Toys.

Have a phallus that needs a little sprucing up? This cockring is certain to spark some interesting conversation when you try to put it on your Tinder date. “No, no, shove the bullet in Satan’s HEAD! Not YOUR head! This was a poor choice.” Try FetLife next time; they’ll probably show up wearing one already.

I Rub My Duckie – Devil Edition

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From Amazon (yes, seriously).

Awww, look at this sweet children’s bath toy! And it vibrates to help get all the dirt off their tiny, disgusting bodies! Just kidding. This vibration is just to help your disgusting body get off. With a rubber duck. You sick fuck. Don’t even sing that Sesame Street song while you do it. Oh no, I’m giving you ideas.

Red Devil Lucifer Sam Cherry Red Vibrator

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From Sextoy.

Okay, you’re tired of the gimmicks. The schlong of Lucifer is not in the shape of Lucifer himself (most likely). Want to feel like you’re actually doing the Devil? This vibrator is probably your best bet. And you KNOW Old Nick’s dick has glitter in it. How else do you get to be ruler of Hell? #glitterdick

Nicole Moore

Nicole Moore

Managing Editor at Dirge Magazine
Nicole has a Master's in English Literature, and is best described as a "sparkly rainbow magical dark feminist cat mermaid unicorn nerd witch." Simple, right? You can stalk her on Twitter and Instagram, or read her personal blog, you floozy.
Nicole Moore
RT @colinmeloy: Like, shit got real fucked up for Peggy Olson FAST - 3 weeks ago